Strange electrical gremlin. Thoughts?

[Chris323i]

Got a call from my mother who has a 2012 X3 2.8i with pro nav and no comfort access telling me that her alarm went off and that she couldn't get in the car.

I was kind of stumped as I immediately thought it would be a dead battery. However, the battery was replaced last fall and she doesn't have anything weird plugged inside the car to draw energy. Her light switch is always on auto.
Anyhow, I told her to use the key inside her fob to get in and place her fob next to the steering column to get it started or at least see if the car will turn over.
She tells me this doesn't work so I leave work to take a look myself.

This whole experience is not pleasant as it's 100* out here in this Texas summer and dead hot in the car.

I get to the car and I spot that only the passeng amber turn signal is on and the driver side DRL is on. The rear passenger light is on and the driver tail light has no lights on. Inside the rear courtesy light blink on and off very slowly.

I try to start the car by placing the fob next to the column, nothing. I try various electronics, nothing. The hazards work but not correctly as the hazard light button flashes but the green turn signal markers do not flash. Outside only the passenger markers work and the side fender signal markers do not flash.

My thought was to try and jump the car as I was still convinced it had a battery issue so I connected my 35i to hers and let it charge for a few minutes but I still couldn't get the car to react.

At this point I realized it probably wasn't a dead battery as all the small aforementioned lights had been on for the last hour.
I decided it was time to take a look at the battery and disconnect it and reconnect. Here inlayed another issue as I couldn't find the manual hatch release so I had to crawl in through the rear doors. I get to the battery and all looks good so I decided to disconnect the negative terminal so that maybe the X3's CPU would reset. I disconnect and reconnect with a small spark at the negative terminal as I expect from a fully charged battery. Still nothing

By this time I'm starting to sweat like a pig and decide it's time to look at fuses. I crawl back into the rear of the car and open the side panel to reveal the fuse panel and all of a sudden I hear the familiar repetive click of the turn signals. I felt like Alan Grant when the power went out in the JP dinosaur tour. What'd I touch!?!
I crawl back out and close the door, the alarm starts going off and I hit the unlock button on the fob and the alarm disengages. I push the start button and the car starts right up.
At this point I think to myself this has to be a weird electric malfunction.

SO, I ask you all, what the hell just happened. Have any of you experienced something similar?
This whole issue lasted about 2 hours. Glad I didn't call roadside assistance.

Also where is the damn manual hatch release?... This was pretty frustrating as it isn't in the manual, at last in the tailgate section.

Thanks for reading my issue. I wanted this to be on record.