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  #1  
Old 03-15-2021, 04:21 PM
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How "Black Bastard" got his name AKA the reason people hate BMWs

*** EDIT ***

I should have started off by saying this began months ago and I've only recently decided to share so the next few posts will be the condensed version of months of troubleshooting.

*** EDIT ***
I have been keeping a dark secret from the group and it's time to come clean










The reason I hid this from everyone was shame. Shame that for someone who should know a little bit about these cars and their requirements I did very little to prepare (protect) myself of what I could be getting myself into.

Shortly after I bought this thing I went back and forth with the keep it or dump it thoughts normally accompanying buying beat down German vehicles but after months of frustration and hoping a deer would jump in front of this thing I realized that if nothing else this will provide entertainment (although at my expense) for all of us BMW enthusiasts (read masochists).

From the word go my preparation and planning was dogshit so I apologize in advance for the upcoming incompleteness of some imagery and such.

Contrary to my usual protocol of hiding my shame, let the confessional begin!

Last edited by c-bass; 03-15-2021 at 05:34 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-15-2021, 04:37 PM
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Old BMW ownership is an exercise in masochism for sure. My latest batch ($780 worth) of parts just arrived from FCP euro.

Peace (and luck) be with you my brother.
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  #3  
Old 03-15-2021, 05:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crystalworks View Post
Old BMW ownership is an exercise in masochism for sure. My latest batch ($780 worth) of parts just arrived from FCP euro.

Peace (and luck) be with you my brother.
Thank you

I should have mentioned in the first post that this happened months ago and we've already gone a few rounds in the ring.

Edited
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  #4  
Old 03-15-2021, 06:38 PM
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I warn you in advance that this is NOT your typical love story. It's impulsive and spontaneous. Mistakes were made, feelings were hurt and things were said that can never be taken back and this was all within days of meeting each other. But let's not get ahead of ourselves

The Mrs. had been booting around in my old work horse, a 2004 E83 which had over 370,000 km at the time and was in need of a good amount of maintenance. The rear wheel bearing needed replacing, the driveshaft was shot, front strut blown out and a few other odds and ends. Also the A/C wasn't working and summer was fast approaching.

Seeing as a driveshaft is $$$ and this thing had high km I was very hesitant to put much effort into fixing it and started looking for something in better condition. The size of the E83 was proving to be just a little bit too small for her needs since she's always trying to cram furniture in there for her business so I figured let's get her into an E53 right? Let the search begin!

Now I'll be the first to admit I'm a cheap bastard. The way I figure is I'd rather buy the cheaper vehicle out there within "reason" and do the maintenance myself and then I'll know exactly what condition things are in and were done properly. Having owned several BMWs I know what to expect and budget for so I'm not just going into things blindly.

Anyway because of COVID there's been a lot more interest in the used car market around here which not only affected prices also how quickly cars were selling. Every prospect I found sold within days and sometimes hours of being posted and the search was dragging on and on.

This last year was by far the longest and hottest summer I ever remember, we're well over the half way point and I still haven't been able to find what I was looking for. A 3.0 with the facelift, 2 keys, working A/C, no oil leaks ( yeeeeahhh riiiiight) under 250k. Personally I wanted the Panoramic roof but the Mrs never opens the sunroof so that wasn't a deal breaker. Just something that she can get in and drive without it being too much of a project (whatever that means)

Anyway finally I spot something interesting and go take a look at it. It was rough, made noises, dirty AF, threw up a ton of codes when I scanned it, leaked oil etc etc. Being a dumbass I made a lowball offer that was accepted and that is that story of Swamp Thing https://xoutpost.com/bmw-sav-forums/...amp-thing.html Like, Subscribe, hit the notification button and buy my mer....sorry I hear it so much it just started pouring out.

I got Swampy home knowing full well that it's much more of a project than I wanted...but this seems to be a theme I live by so I started looking into what it would take to get her road worthy for the Mrs.

We all know that right after you buy a car the best thing to do is pretend like it never happened and keep looking right? Well wouldn't you know it 2 days after Swampy got home I see an ad for something much better...2004 3.0 Black on Black, regular sunroof, 235k hmmmm so I secretly contact the seller. Any check engine lights? No, Any oil leaks underneath? No, A/C work? Yes

Upper management happened to be walking by while I was bitching to myself

"What's the problem?" - Management

"Aaaah the usual bullshit of a better looking deal always comes across right after yadda yadda yadda" I proceed to show her the ad.

"Well why don't know go look at it?" - Management

I look at her confused "Well I just bought Swampy"

"You should go check it out, if it's a better vehicle sell Swampy" - Management

No shit??? You don't have to tell me twice!

An hour later I'm looking at the car
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  #5  
Old 03-15-2021, 06:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crystalworks View Post
Old BMW ownership is an exercise in masochism for sure. My latest batch ($780 worth) of parts just arrived from FCP euro.

Peace (and luck) be with you my brother.
$800 is a quarterly bill at FCP for me owning 3 10+ year old bimmers. (check the second part of the signature, you'll understand hahaha)
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  #6  
Old 03-15-2021, 06:56 PM
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The seller was a professional looking guy in his mid 40s which is always a good sign and had just upgraded to a newer X5. His father owned it before him and between the two of them they've had it over 10 years. Supposedly dealer maintained.

I looked it over briefly and didn't notice anything blatantly obvious. It started right up and idled fine and no check engine light. Sweet!

I went for a quick drive during which the seller encouraged me to put my foot into it "The engine is strong!" and all seemed well.

No smoke
no weird noises from the engine
no clunking going over bumps and a couple pot holes
A/C was blowing cold
so far seems pretty good...

I went back and parked it, checked underneath to see if any oil was leaking and all seemed as it should be.

The brakes were in pretty bad shape but that's one of the items I budget for. Tires were new which is a bonus.

The seller told me he had a guy come take a look at it the day before, they agreed on a price and the buyer went to the bank and never came back so he posted it again the day I saw it.

Good thing I happened to get right back into the for sale ads or I would have never seen this! Must be destiny no?

We agreed on $2300, he signed over the paperwork, I called a tow truck and a half hour later I'm on the way home with another E53








Yeah yeah the warm amber glow of the check engine light will guide me home.
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  #7  
Old 03-15-2021, 07:02 PM
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If the CEL isn't lit is it really an old BMW?
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  #8  
Old 03-15-2021, 07:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolimite39 View Post
$800 is a quarterly bill at FCP for me owning 3 10+ year old bimmers. (check the second part of the signature, you'll understand hahaha)
I currently own an e46 wagon, e46 330 convertible and 2 e53s. I also have 2 e83s that I finally decided have had enough and are getting parted out.

I fully understand
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  #9  
Old 03-15-2021, 07:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolimite39 View Post
If the CEL isn't lit is it really an old BMW?
I think the only one that I've seen recently is this Black Bastard...or is it???

Stay tuned
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  #10  
Old 03-15-2021, 07:34 PM
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So it's the next day and it's time to get a good look at this thing in the daylight.




The paint has swirls all over it but aside from a little rusty "bump" in the back it's in ok shape. The rear passenger door has a little bit of rust developing on the bottom but nothing too major.





The Mrs. plans to use this as a working vehicle so she wasn't looking for "anything too nice". As long as the important mechanical bits are good and it's not too ugly I'm ok with some bumps and bruises.

The interior was in decent shape but the driver's side carpet had some pretty gnarly salt stains.











It comes with these cool AC pedals








The stereo has a spot on the screen but everything seems to work so I don't really care that much.





the little fan groans a little but works





The wheels were looking a bit rough but I think I can get them looking much better








Tail pipes need a good polish but the exhaust is in good shape.


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