I'm sorry for your loss.

The decision is purely up to you, and either choice is acceptable. A gathering, like MD said, is really for the rest of us. It offers some closure and helps some with the grieving process. It sounds to me like you do desire to go, but you don't want to feel awkward when you do. That's a normal feeling. You can certainly go and keep it low key, you aren't required to mingle with others.

As far as mourning from a far vs at the funeral, I am not aware of any differences other than it probably provides some with closure. There are some beneifts from the social aspect that help heal in a physiological and psychological way.

In my opinion, the best possible thing you can do is to disclose your feelings. It will help with the emotional stress and anxiety that comes with something like this. I know it may sound silly, but even just writing how you are feeling (you don't even need to let anyone read it) can help significantly. Others get this disclosure by attending then funeral and grieving with others, if you do choose not to go, I believe you should find a way to disclose from a far, don't just bottle it up and keep to yourself.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

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