Originally Posted by daytonatrbo

Well F me.


The alternator wasn't the issue. About the last thing I would have guessed, but the first thing I should have looked at in hindsight:

The main harmonic pulley failed. The rubber damper puked out of it and it was slipping.

Explains the symptoms I saw much better. Still wouldn't have expected a failure on a vehicle less than 10 years old. But after some research it seems slightly common. The part is stupidly expensive from the dealer. So unless they can give me a break due to the severity of the issue and how it could have killed my family, I'm going to have to go aftermarket.