I read through X5only's thread here: https://xoutpost.com/bmw-sav-forums/...-misfires.html

He stated ultimately that his issue was caused by mistakenly swapping the cam position sensors. He has a 4.4 N62 whereas my 4.6 is a M52, and as far as I can tell, the sensors are identical (1 for each bank, located at the front).

I ran some rough diagnostics while the car idled, but haven't really dug in yet. Next step is to drain the oil and check for plastic bits. I've attached pictures of some of the diagnostics in case someone wants to tell me how bad it really is. I'm no technician. I'm just hoping the guides won't need to be replaced...







And since those pictures were boring:





I'll update this thread as I go to hopefully aid future x5'ers.