Plagiarism: Previously Owned Prose (as in "this list was plagiarized from a Washington Post column")
Road Kill: Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form
Cowardly: Challenge Challenged
Cannibalism: Intra-Species Dining
Vomiting: Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices
Alcoholic: Anti-Sobriety Activist
Vice President: Post-Coronary Leader of the Free World
Abortion: Near-Life Experience
Rudeness: Tact Avoidance
Assassination: Involuntary Term Limitation
Shoplifter: Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist
Dead: Actuarially Mature
Homelessness: Mortgage-Free Living
Corpse: Permanently Static Post-Human Mass
Loser: Second Place