http://www.theonion.com/content/news...en_holds_press

MIAMI—Just two days after he was knocked unconscious by a violent blow to the head and carried off the field on a stretcher, concussed and disoriented Dolphins quarterback Trent Green called a press conference Tuesday in order to address reporters with a series of sustained, low-pitched vowel sounds. "Oooooooooooo, eeeeeeooooooooo oooouuuuoooooo uuuueeeooo," moaned the 13-year veteran, addressing questions about his fitness after suffering a grade-three concussion when Texans defensive tackle Travis Johnson's knee collided with the side of his head as he attempted to cut-block the 315-pound player. "Aaaaaaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaa a aieeeeee-aaaaaaa aaa ooo aaaauuuuuuuuuuu, ai ai ai… ai aaaaaaoooooo." While doctors said Green was far from ready to return to the playing field, drive a car, or dress himself, they did feel that in three to six weeks, he would have recovered sufficiently to retire from football under his own power.

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