There ARE others like me. I thought I was alone in the universe. Door slamming is just the tip of the iceberg.

This is just an open letter to my passengers:

Sure, I may demand obsequious and respecting passengers who do not question my preferences for passenger behavior. Passengers who will not question my neuroses or try to pronounce the names on my prescription bottles.

So, if I have decided to drive to our destination, it is most likely because I have no desire to ride in your vehicle amidst 3 or 4 weeks of fast food wrappers, which may also serve as supplemental restraints.

I like my X, and I enjoy driving (not riding).

That being said, I just want to make sure that you understand how much I appreciate you slamming my doors, placing items on the hood and sliding them off, and especially asking countless times if you may smoke in my car, the answer will not change.

I control the radio, the climate, and our route. If I didn't know where we were going I would have used GoogleMaps, and I would know before we left. I have successfully driven to destinations all over the country without you, and I can do it today.

In addition, I am incredibly ecstatic that you decided to bring that filthy, snot covered, obnoxious, rancid child of yours without hesitation. I think that child actually oozes sticky goo, and yes, the windows are a perfect place for him to wipe his hands.

I didn't realize my X had such perfect stowage locations. For example, the pouch on the back of the front seat is perfect for half of a cheeseburger and some french fries. The side pockets on the doors? Perfect for the wrapper of the ice cream sandwich complete with the parts his sticky little fingers weren't able to shovel into his mouth. The floor is a great place to leave half used ketchup packets.

Just to be clear, yes the sunshades on the windows are definately designed to be pulled all the way out and snapped back as hard as possible.

The shoe prints on the back of the front seat are so cute. I didn't realize that your child worked in the oil fields. Most permanent inks are not that indestructible.

I do apoloigize that the cargo cover cannot support the weight of your snot covered overweight child. I know he simply wanted to look at the 'purty clouds'.

So again, I thank you for riding with me.

--Troy

Wow, that WAS theraputic. Where are my meds?

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Next time I get pulled over, I hope the cop has a camera crew with him. I am going to run.
The show really needs better vehicles to chase.