There's so much truth in your post above.
I suffered the same fate with the stomp test on my e30 when I first attempted it and as the OP in my first attempts to pair my Samsung Galaxy SII to my X5. Both instances I chalk it up to operator error. If at first you don't succeed...you probably did something wrong...so try, try again.
And if you still fail...take the time to look at EVERY step you're doing...even if you have to write it down...and clearly compare it to the correct instructions to see if you've skipped, combined, omitted, forgot, or misunderstood a step that may be the reason for the failure.
My first attempt at pairing was a failure. I had the instructions in hand and turned the ignition to KLR then KL15 and turned my phone's Bluetooth on and for some reason, never got the message to enter my PK code. But it was around 1 o'clock in the morning sitting in a cold garage...I eventually gave up and went back first thing latter that morning after some rest and a clear head...and for some reason it worked that time. Not sure what I did differently but somehow it worked:
- turned ignition to position 1 (KL R) and within the next 2 minutes....
- turned my Samsung Galaxy SII's "search for Bluetooth devices" feature on...
- saw "BMW24133" listed (24133 are the last 5 digits of my X's VIN) on my phone and selected it
- my X5 sent message to my phone to enter PK code
- I entered the PK code into my Samsung Galaxy SII
- "BMW PAIRING" appeared in the Nav screen on my X as well as UPLOADING PHONE BOOK
- turned the ignition off & waited the prerequisite 30 seconds...then turned the ignition back on
I must say though, that my phonebook never has uploaded...but I think this issue is more of an issue with my brand of phone. If my phone rings while I'm in the X...I can answer it using the talking face button on the steering wheel (or the button on the nav screen)...and as far as making calls...I stored my most called numbers into VR and use the "call name" voice command to call those numbers. And to call a number not stored, I use the "call number" VR command. From my readings on this issue, the iPhones tend NOT to have an issue with uploading it's phone book.
So good luck to the OP...keep trying to find out where you & the pairing instructions are differing. One thing you've mentioned is trying to use the R/T button...not sure why you're pressing that one since you told us that the wires to the phone cradle in the armrest area aren't connected to anything. Pairing your X with an iPhone that isn't used in a "wired" cradle...only uses the talking face button once the two have been paired thru bluetooth.