Ok, got home and got into it -- remote suddenly came to life while I was trying another method to get in. The problem with the outside lock is with they cylinder itself; it appears as though some of the insides of the cylinder aren't aligned as they ought to be, preventing it from turning as it should. I've got a visit to the dealer in my future.

Now the question is, if the driver's door actuator is working as it should, would it lock & unlock the driver's door with the lock cylinder removed? It doesn't, so I'm wondering if I need to dig deeper or just get a replacement cylinder.

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2001 X5 Sport 3.0/5-speed
1998 318ti/5-speed
1988 735i/5-speed
1984 528e/5-speed (soon to be M20B25-powered 525i!)