'Til death do us part
 

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast.

Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

:D

Very very old........... But i give you credit for trying.


Hows this one??????

36 Reasons It's Better to be a Man

1. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about tanks.
3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. You can open all your own jars.
5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
9. You can kill your own food.
10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
14. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
15. Everything on your face stays its original color.
16. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
17. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
18. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
19. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
20. Same work...more pay.
21. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
22. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
23. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
24. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
25. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
27. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
28. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
30. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
31. You don't have to shave below your neck.
32. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
33. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
34. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
35. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Arrggh! Old? Damn it!

That was good! :D

Here are Restroom Quotations and other Assorted Wall Writings:

• Seen on a sign in the window of a restaurant: Life is short, start with dessert.
• Please do not throw your cigarette butts on the ground, the turtles crawl out of the ponds and smoke them and we are trying to get them to quit. (seen next to a turtle pond on Paradise Island)
• Seen on the men's room wall at the BoardWalk Blues Cafe in Nashville - "I screwed your mother" and below it was written - "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
• On a menu in Miller's Landing in Galveston, Texas: "If the food were any fresher, you'd have to slap it!"
• Do not eat large white mints (above a urinal)
• "Breakfast in New York, Lunch in Paris." (and scrawled below the American Airlines poster) "Baggage in Hong Kong."
• Please don't throw your toothpicks in our toilets, our crabs have learned to pole vault. (Seen in a bathroom in Destin Fl)
• In case of emergency, pull handle. (written above a public toilet in New York City)
• Note on condom machine: 'These condoms built to British standards.' underneath, 'Yeah, and so was the Titanic'
• We aim to please, you aim too, please. (Wall in Penrith Petrol Station)
• Written on cubicle wall in two parts: What's worse, Ignorance or Apathy? I don't know and I don't care!
• Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! - Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. (written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.)
• A friend told me of a visit to the restroom of a restaurant he was visiting with a lady friend. He discovered that graffiti was hidden in the wallpaper, like those paintings which don't appear to have a picture until one jumps out at you. He sent his lady friend to check out the ladies room, but he had to send her back 3 times before she saw it. They both said the sayings were hilarious, and there were also swear words and phrases, all unseen except to the unfocused(?) eye!
• We don't swim in your urinals. Please don't pee in our pool.
• "My mother made me a lesbian" (and written below that) "If I give her the yarn, will she make me one, too?" On the bathroom wall of the Infinity Bar in Miamisburg, Ohio 1979
• Scrawled on a condom machine: Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber!
• If you think our waiters are rude, you should see our manager. (On a cafe wall in Bristol.)
• Fire torpedo 1! Fire torpedo 2! Fire torpedo 3! ... (one saying above each toilet in a movie theatre restroom)
• Please don't throw your butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. (written in bar bathroom in Memphis, TN)
• Please do not complain about the coffee. You'll be old and weak someday, too!
• 'God, my hands are cold!' Scrawled at the top of a Superman poster, in a 'thought bubble' above his head.
• 'Not all who wander are lost' — written underneath: 'Not all who launder are washed' grafitti in Portland, Oregon.
• Beware of limbo dancers! (written at bottom of bathroom stall door with arrow pointing down)
• Your child's future is in your hands. (seen above a urinal)
  The weather is here. I wish you were beautiful. (Famous bathroom graffiti that Jimmy Buffett turned into a song)
• Written above the mirror in a men's washroom in Seattle, Wa, "Think!" and someone had scrawled below it, with an arrow pointing down, "Thoap".
• As seen above a urinal: What are you looking up here for? The real joke is in your hands.
• For a good time, don't call my ex-wife!
• Pull here for an Arts degree. (seen on toilet paper dispenser)
• "E=mc2" (and written underneath it) Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.
• Sign seen in restaurant: We Reserve The Right To Serve Refuse To Anyone!
• On a posted sign: "Bill Stickers will be prosecuted!" and written next to it, "Bill Stickers is innocent!"
• (seen on a restaurant) GUYS: No shirt, no service GALS: No shirt, no charge.
• (Left Wall) For toilet tennis, look right. (Right Wall) For toilet tennis, look left.
• Sign on the door of a maternity ward in a hospital: 'push, push, push'
• Seen on a subway wall in New York: Life is one contradiction after another. Written below it: No it's not!
• Seen on a poster for staff working in a Hospital Maternity unit "Remember, the first 5 minutes of life are the most dangerous." Comment added below, "The last few minutes are pretty dodgy too!"
• Written on a toilet wall: I.C.A.Q.A.Q.I.C.I.8.2.Q.B.4.I.P.
• At this moment, you are the only man in the Army who knows what he is doing - Gents Lavatory, Aldershot Barracks UK
• Don't read this you fool, Watch what you're doing! - Gents Lavatory - London
• Sign on the wall above a toilet: "Flush only Toilet Paper.