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Winter Storm Panic

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN STERLING, VA HAS ISSUED A WINTER STORM PANIC FOR ALL COUNTIES AND CITIES IN VIRGINIA, MARYLAND, THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, AND FOR SOME REASON OREGON.

Residents should take the following actions to insure the survival of the entire human race:

1. RUN, don't walk, to your nearest supermarket and purchase at least eight gallons of milk, six if you are lactose intolerant. Also buy large quantities of eggs, salt, cat food, bottled water, beer, and toilet paper.

2. Under no circumstances should you consider buying a snow shovel. If you already have a brush or scraper for your car, discard it immediately. You should only use one of the following items to clean off your car: a credit card (for ice), a magazine or newspaper (for snow), your hand, or a dustpan. Remember to clear only a tiny portion of your windshield and leave the rest of the snow and/or ice on your car for insulation from the cold.

3. If you must drive (for example, to the hospital, or to Wendy's for a vanilla Frosty) remember to put on your hazard lights and keep your speed under 5mph. All drivers should use the far left lane, especially on interstate highways. SUV drivers are exempt from these conditions; anyone in an SUV can and should drive as fast as possible because 4-wheel-drive makes you immune to dangerous driving conditions and also makes your penis 4" longer.

4. When clearing your front steps with the kitchen broom remember to only do a narrow path from your front door to your car, and possibly the mailbox if you're feeling frisky. Your elderly and/or disabled neighbors can fend for themselves. Civic-minded individuals may decide to sprinkle meager handfuls of rock salt on top of the snow, but only if accumulations reach 8" or higher. Rock salt is inefficient if there is less than 8" of snow, unless you put it out as SOON as snow starts to fall. In certain situations, boiling water can be used to clear steps of snow and ice; consult your local fire department for advice.

5. All area schools are closed until further notice; they will most likely reopen for a week in July. Local government offices are also closed; the federal government is open with liberal leave in effect.

6. Reagan National and Washington Dulles airports have closed all runways; Baltimore-Washington International is open and wondering what's going on. Amtrak has suspended service for the rest of the calendar year; MARC trains are running on a weekend schedule. VRE gave up and went home in December. Metro will run trains in underground stations on a regular schedule, but the drivers are all texting or watching videos on their phones so you'll have to jump on and off the train while it's moving. Metro bus service will run normally; however none of the bus stops are plowed or in any way cleaned of snow so you'll have to cross three lanes of traffic to board or debark.

THIS HAS BEEN AN EMERGENCY WEATHER ADVISORY FROM THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN STERLING, VIRGINIA. STAY TUNED FOR UPDATES AS THE SITUATION GETS WORSE.