The Guys' Rules

[X5Jay]

THE GUYS' RULES

We always hear about "the rules" from the female side. Here are OUR rules -- all numbered 1 on purpose:

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work, strong hints do not work, obvious hints do not work -- JUST SAY IT!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See your doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. NOT BOTH. If you already know how best to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say what you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine -- REALLY.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many pairs of shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape.