When they screw up…

Jones: Strippers are riddled with bullets
Hochuli: Teams lose games
Advantage: Push -- both are tragic in their own right
Striped shirts:

Jones: His future
Hochuli: His present
Advantage: Hochuli
Recently sucker-punched…

Jones: His own bodyguard at a urinal
Hochuli: Charger fans looking for a win
Advantage: Push
Knights in shining denial:

Jones: Jerry Jones
Hochuli: Young refs who get into the game thinking they'll be chick magnets
Advantage: Push
Call from Roger Goodell can only mean…

Jones: Another flight to New York, another suspension, another six-figure bill at Scores.
Hochuli: A pep talk, via an impersonal conference call, then a long night getting lost in the soothing magic of the elliptical machine.
Advantage: Push
It takes four men to…

Jones: Bodyguard him 24/7
Hochuli: Squeeze him into his clothes
Advantage: Push
Making it rain:

Jones: Scattering cash in the air over a stripper's head
Hochuli: The way the sky explodes with beer after his missed calls
Advantage: Push
Thinks "Wildcat" is…

Jones: The aggressive brunette in a pack of middle-aged cougars
Hochuli: A formation that is begging you to throw a flag
Advantage: Jones
Shocked that the Jets coach didn't name his new son…

Jones: Zach "Pacman" Mangini
Hochuli: Zach "Big Hochuli Guns" Mangini
Advantage: Push
Making matters worse:

Jones: He is also an amateur rapper
Hochuli: He's also a lawyer
Advantage: Hochuli in a shocker! I'm no fan of lawyers, but what is worse than the musical delusions of professional athletes?
Super Bowls:

Jones: Zero
Hochuli: Five
Advantage: Hochuli
Shockers:

Jones: In college, he was a member of the Athletic Director's Academic Honor Roll.
Hochuli: Actually played college ball at UTEP
Advantage: Push. Look, it's not like either one went to MIT.
The '80s:

Jones: His nickname is inspired by a video game popularized in the 1980s
Hochuli: His uniform number, 85, is one of the few fans can I.D.
Advantage: I'll be the first to admit this category is a list stuffer. Moving on…
Have they updated their Myspace page?

Jones: His last login was Oct. 11, 2008, yet the page still lists him as a Tennessee Titan
Hochuli: "Guns" Hochuli. Despite many Hulk images, his last login: July 12, 2006.
Advantage: Jones, on a technicality
Legends who have offered support and counsel:

Jones: Jim Brown, Michael Irvin, Deion Sanders
Hochuli: Ben Grimm, Bruce Banner, Joe Piscopo
Advantage: Push
Remorse:

Jones: No
Hochuli: Yes
Advantage: Hochuli

__________________

An unwavering defender of those I see worth protecting.

"promote the general welfare, not provide the general welfare"

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.