Friday and Weekend Funnies - let's hear some!

[Major04]

GOOD

Madison , WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12-year-old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD". The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit
further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of
money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)



BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in La Crosse , WI . A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.




BEST

A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper
walked to her car window, and as he flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I
bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. "He
replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was a
moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
left.



PILOT PHILOSOPHY

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?

The duck can fly.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.


Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.


It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.


The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.


Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.


The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto:

'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'


If something hasn't broken on your helicopter --it's about to.


I give that landing a 9 .. .on the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules:

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.


Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son. This is where the food is."

The three best things in life are:
A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

[Michelle]

Heard this on the radio this morning:

How are women and tornados alike?

They moan when they come and take the house when they leave.

[brian5]

Originally Posted by Michelle

Heard this on the radio this morning:

How are women and tornados alike?

They moan when they come and take the house when they leave.

You heard that on the radio? Howard?

[Michelle]

Originally Posted by brian5

You heard that on the radio?

Well, not exactly. They said the first part on the radio and you had to text them for the punchline.

(HOT 99.5 in DC)

[Wagner]

Hilarious.

[Michelle]

Here's today's joke from Hot 99.5:

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.

[dr.jay]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower??

Give the bitch a shovel

[Meiac09]

I woke up today thinking its the weekend.
Then i remembered about my Calc Exam in 4.5 hours that I need to study for

Theres actually a funny one about my school: __ University is like unprotected sex: Getting in is good, coming is bad.

[Michelle]

Today's joke from Hot 99.5:

How did Pinocchio find out that he was made out of wood?

His hand caught on fire.

[Michelle]

Today's joke from Hot 99.5:

What do old ladies taste like?

Depends.