The Zen of Sarcasm

Weasel · #1 12-07-2009, 08:36 PM

The Zen of Sarcasm

(I got some enjoyment from the list, figured I'd share it)

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11.If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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spacegraye70 · #2 12-07-2009, 09:16 PM

haha nice

X Foomph · #3 12-07-2009, 11:02 PM

A few more from ol' mate Confucius,

Girl who make love in tomb may soon become mummy.

Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time.

Man trapped in pantry have himself in jam.

Women take to good hearted men. Also from.

Man who pass gas in church must sit in own pew.

Man who shoot off mouth, expect to lose face.

Man with big mouth, beware of foot.

War does not determine who's right. War determine who's left.

Man who sleeps on road, wakes up feeling run down.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out."

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.

Plus a heap more here: Confucius Jokes - Funny Clean Jokes about Confucius