Battery seems good?
If battery state of charge is below 30-40%, depending on temp, the DME won't even try to start the engine.
I'd put a 10 amp charger on the battery overnight and try again. Even if you have to buy the charger, it'll be less expensive than a tow. Walmart has several Schumacher AGM capable chargers for ~$60.

Has the OP checked the battery's voltage? If you don't have a meter...the e70's cluster can be UNLOCKED just like the e53 generation...go to TEST 9 and you can find out if the battery is below 11.89 volts (at 11.89 volts the battery is at 0% state of charge).

There may be enough reserve capacity/crankingamps/amp hours to illuminate the cluster and interior lights (that doesn't take much)...but not enough to start the engine (takes a lot).

If you don't have a battery charger...do you have jumper cables? If yes, then apply the cables to the jump start terminals in the ENGINE BAY...then let the e70's battery charge up enough by leaving the donor car running for a good 3-5 minutes...then try a start attempt of the e70.

EDIT: just did a quick youtube search for "BMW e70 hidden menu" and this was one of many of them posted on how to UNLOCK the cluster to access all the TESTs:

Battery is good, car just won't start, nothing but "clicking" when pushing the button. The links to you tube were a great help, I found someone on it that had the same set up and vehicle and where to put it in neutral! Thanks boys!

Just here for a plus 10. Battery.

Have you tested battery with volt meter or obc Test. Battery can have all electronics working, but won’t turn the starter. The clicking usually means dead battery.

Or starter?

;)

Thanks for the YouTube clip, I'll give it a shot. I had the car on a charger, but it won't budge, just hear the clicking, and that's with the charger on "Start Mode" after charging it for a while.

On top of that, I still can't get the brakes to unlock to tow! I already unlocked the tranny from the bottom of the car, but damn, brakes still a mystery. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to take the brakes apart and push the piston in just to be able to move the car.

I withdraw the 'starter' suggestion if the brakes are locked on. AFAIK a bad starter will not activate and lock E brakes.

Check the engine-to-chassis ground cable. Several have had this fail preventing starting. You can bypass it using a jumper cable from engine to the (-) negative jump start post under the hood.

THANKS!!! For the Youtube video. My X quit in my garage just now. Going to try to jump it but if it does not work I am going to have to get her in neutral and pull her to the street for flatbed towing. Thanks again!! :thumbup: