I think I know what you mean! I see that with big plastic bottles of liquid detergents. There are two openings, one for air going in one for the detergent coming out.:D

I've never used an oil filter cap 'wrench'. I always use a correct size socket and just go gently, since the oil filter cap is plastic.

I would NOT try to change the filter without draining the oil. The canister containing the filter would stay full of oil and make this a messier job.

As to your questions...

Yes a normal drain pan will fit without lifting an X5 a mm. In fact a normal drain pan will fit under a 911 engine... but you would need to able to remove the drain plug by feel :)

I always lay out a cut open garbage bag, a layer of newspaper/cardboard and slide a normal oil drain pan (the old style that looks like a huge galvanized layer cake pan). If the drain plug faces straight down, I center the drain pan under the drain plug. If it is angled, I shift the drain pan in the direction the oil will flow BUT make sure the closest edge is still under the drain plug opening to catch the last dribbles. FWIW I've changed the oil in every vehicle I've ever owned (5 decades and counting) using the same oil drain pan. And I have never used any type of funnel. The trick is simply placing the pan in the right location and making sure the oil filler cap is open (ala Penguin's post) to assure a smooth stream.

After loosening the drain plug I unscrew it with my fingers wearing exam gloves. I hold my index finger on the end of the drain plug the whole time I'm unscrewing it. I stop a couple of times to let my fingers cool off (there is nearly a inch of threads). As I get close to the end, the drain plug gets a bit wobbly. I just keep the pressure on my index finger, which can hold back the flow even after the drain plug is completely unscrewed. I just shift my fingers to grab the end of the plug as I pull it away. If I drop the plug or washer in the drain pan, it is no big deal. I'll be dumping the oil into a laundry soap container anyway (to take it to recycling) and can use a small piece of window screen to filter out the drain plug or washer at that time. Or I just let the oil cool down enough to feel for it with a gloved hand. I'm going to let the oil drain a little more while I'm changing the filter anyway.

Getting a shop to show you how they do it won't help much. They will have the X5 on a lift, roll an oil drain pan funnel combo unit under it and just let the plug and washer fall into the pan since it has a screen built into the funnel.

Changing your own oil is a right of passage for gear heads. If I were you, I'd get an experienced friend to show me the ropes the first time. It's amazing what some guys* will do for "free" beer and chance to show off their skills while getting dirty crawling around under an X5 :)

Funf Dreisig

* you know who you are, and I suspect most forum members know too :yikes:

And if they feel that you are doing it because you don't trust them to use the right parts, they are even less likely to let you in the shop. They will quote you their insurance liabilty clauses.

If you want to watch it done, you have to find somebody that is willing to teach you as part of doing the job.

FunfDreisig, thanks a lot for the answers. They are clear as daylight. I'm sure all that comes from decades of experience.

Maybe I'll do it myself, maybe I'll find someone to teach me, or just pay the dealer to do it. In any case, the oil change's gotta be done and I'll get back and update you on the progress!
And thanks to every one of you who posted in this thread!:thumbup:

Once again let me just say (as others already have)
You could also have someone do the job on your vehicle.
Hand him or her the tools and take notes.

I don't personally know anyone who changes his own but I'll search alright.:)

If you updated your profile information to show your location (Canada is pretty broad, something over 6000 km IIRC) you may even get someone close by offering to do it with you.

Alternatively, you can still take a course. Nightschool autoshop at a high school typically includes courses such as basic maintenance, run over several weeks.

Nah, I don't wanna impose on people here for their time. I'd rather pay an independent shop to teach me.

Nightschool? Sometimes when I'm sleeping I have a nightmare about being back in school:)

http://www.realoem.com/bmw/diagrams/h/u/239.png
I did it alone and it was a success. Sort of. I dropped one of the two expanding rivets(14) in the engine room and there was no way I could find it. So I just installed one that's left and it looks secure enough for now but would want to get another one screwed in there. I'm worried about the expanding rivet I dropped in the engine room though. Should I go to the dealer and ask them to find it or is it ok to just leave it be?

Anyways, thanks so much everyone for your help! Lubed the filter gasket and soaked the filter in new oil, just like everyone said to. I feel great after the oil change. The old oil was extremely dark, and thick that it was gelatinous, especially at the bottom of the oil drain pan. I still can't forget about the lost rivet in the engine room though.