North Korea announced it had conducted a second under-ground nuclear test .
Well , either it`s a nuclear test or Kim Jong-il has done the whole country a favour and installed under floor heating .
Next it plans to carry out tests above ground .
Unfortunately , the ground it plans on carrying out the tests above is called South Korea .
The two Korean states declared an end to war in the Fifties , but now North Korea is starting production of plutonium .
Seemingly , their plan is to source a fleet of DeLoreans so they can take the whole army back to 1953 to finish the job off properly .
The West is pretty much powerless to do anything about North Korea because unlike Iraq , their weapons of mass destruction actually exist .
Official biographers of Kim Jong-il claim that his birth was foretold by a swallow , and heralded by the appearance of a double rainbow over the mountain and a new star in the heavens . Either it was his birth or the beggining of the Teletubbies .
In my forthcoming official biography , you`ll learn that my birth was foretold by the appearance of a half bottle of vodka and a pair of legs over the dashboard .
I dont want to be a scaremonger but , a few weeks ago , every newspaper had at least four pages per day on Swine Flu panic when only eight people had the virus in this country .
North Korea has threatened nuclear war and yet , in most papers , the most you`ll hear about it is in a fun wordsearch puzzle on page 34 .
Can you find the words Kim Jong-il , radiation poisoning and armageddon ?
Kim Jong-il has claimed that any sanctions against North Korea would be like " throwing a rotten egg at a rock " .
Which is actually one of Heston Blumenthal`s nuclear holocaust recipes alongside " tenderising a dog with a brick " and " making your dead neighbour into nuggets with a shovel " .
North Korea has few computers , almost no internet access outside the capital Pyongyang and teaches students about the web by showing them photocopied papers of monitor displays . Amazing really , but still too technical for many of the students at The University of the Highlands and Islands .
They have the skull of a ram with the letters www scrawled into it with a sharp stick .
I love the idea of teaching the internet using bits of paper . I`m guessing they do e-mail with an envelope .
And Facebook ? Pretty sure that`s going to be a book with a face drawn on it .