Some observations about Charlotte (beware, kinda long)
 

As I sit here in the hotel lobby, watching my Skins trounce the Niners, and waiting for chatterbox/Gene Wilder to arrive for the ride back to DC (those who were at dinner last night know who I mean- stay away from Craigslist, people), I thought I'd reflect on a great weekend here in the former gold rush town of Charlotte...

People here drive FAST. Radar detectors are legal here (I live in one of the 2 places in the country where they are illegal) and EVERYONE seems to have one. Grandmas even speed through shopping center parking lots like it's the Speedway! Gotta love a state where the Max posted speed limit is 70! :wow:

Pork rinds are available everywhere. That's a big old plus in my book.

The girls are all hotties, not as many rednecks as I imagined, either. Maybe they're just rednecks in disguise, with their Mark Martin sticker on the INSIDE of their Jeep? Lots of hotties in Jeeps here today

Everyone but me knows how to golf. I think I may have to return with the future Mrs. for tandem golf lessons. I bought her more jewelry, she friggin owes me.

There are some fine ass Daisy Dukes working at this hotel. Wish I could do more than flirt. You ain't supposed to fool around with the 'help' anyhow. Thurston Howell the third would certainly look down on that.

Here's less of an observation, more of a story, but it's all true, as surreal as it was...

There was a group of cheerleaders staying here for some event, they were from colleges all over the southeast. I tried to talk some of them into coming out to dinner last night, but they were like a herd of wildabeest to my lion, and I couldn't manage to pick out the weak or infirmed one, so I didn't pursue. When I returned to the hotel, they had all moved into their rooms. Damn. I did manage to have a drink with Mary, the Marketing Director for Toyota's NASCAR endeavor, who was staying here last night. She kinda looked like the chick from those Mercury TV commercials, which ain't bad at all. She was at the track yesterday for the truck races. She knew a lot about cars, especially aftermarket import tuner products. When the hotel bar closed, the bartender, good guy that he is, asked us if we wanted the check together (a good bartender does that when he sees a dude chattin' up a chick, to facilitate the exchange of room numbers). She quickly whipped out a $20 and said "seperate", a seasoned veteran of the bar encounter obviously. I told her it was all good, that I had enough talking about rice racers for one evening as I paid my bill, THEN she got interested! She must be used to dudes falling all over her and when I jabbed at her about the Toyotas, she perked up. She walked away towards the elevator, swinging her hips, and glanced over her shoulder back at me. I waved goodbye and headed up to my room hoping Real Sex or something would be on HBO. :D

First time I had ever been to Charlotte for anything other than a layover at the airport, I'll be back! :D

JV

LMFAO!!! You are a pimp, man!! You need to write a book...What hotel did you stay at? Never been to Charlotte with the exception of the airport either..maybe Ill have to swing through one of these days... :thumbup:

I hope so! Let me know when you do come back. I'll take you out to some other places that have even more hotties than Ballantyne! :D

You're right about the "non-redneck" thing. Charlotte is a very progressive city, and most of the rednecks are outside of the city. As a matter of fact, that area where you stayed is known around here as "Little Long Island." :D

Juan

That is too funny! I'm going to have to remember that quote :D

you are right, I used to live in Charlotte but moved to Cincinnati 2 years ago...and thats what everyone thinks about Charlotte but when they visit it they see how it is really like.

I stayed HERE. Beautiful place. The bartender told me the Rolling Stones stayed here earlier this week while they were playing Charlotte. Funny, it didn't smell like Keith Richards.

JV

JV: Great to meet you, man! Good story, too...lol! All I know is that when the next freaking bar fight breaks out, I am on Your team!

Nice pic, Big Bud & thanks, sorta, lmao!: glad my CEO loves me for my "inner beauties"!
BR, md

Very funny JV :bustingup :bustingup So when are you moving to North Carolina??

He's FULL of those quotes! Spend a few minutes talking to JV, and you'll wish you had a notepad to write down all the funny quotes coming out of his mouth... Wonderful sense of humor.

Juan

Great recap, JV. It was great to finally meet you in person!! I hope that the ride back with Gene Wilder was better than the ride down :bustingup

Oh yeah... Gene Wilder. Had forgotten about that one. What was the othe one? "human book on tape"? :bustingup

LMAO! Dude, you rock!
Let me know how the cigars are?

Gene Wilder/War & Peace/Book on tape added a new dimension to my karmic punishment on the way home. Woe was me. Left at 5pm (she was late getting back to Charlotte), made it back here by 10:30, averaging 79 mph and with two stops along the way.

I should explain for those who didn't hear about the subject of this post:

The future Mrs. couldn't come down to Juan's with me because of a friggin baby shower for a co-worker, and I knew I would be driving 400 miles on very little sleep, with me getting off at midnight the night before the meet, so I came up with what I THOUGHT was a decent idea: find someone else who was already heading the same way to ride along.

Now, 10-20 years ago, if I was to try to make this idea happen, I'd have cruised by the Trailways bus station, or posted a 3X5 card on the bulletin board at local universities. Nowadays, it's all about the internet, and a co-worker encouraged me to try a posting on CraigsList.

A few responses, I weed out the wackos, and decide it'd be much better to be accompanied by a young lady instead of another dude, so I arranged for a girl from Greenville, SC to ride along with me to Charlotte, then she would arrange for a relative to make the 100 mile trip from her hometown to pick her up. I thought it was too easy- she's an English Professor at Clemson, had a nice phone conversation with her, she insisted on paying for gas and she lived 5 mins from me.

Hold on for it, you know this sounds too good to work out fine for me.

Butt-early Saturday morning, we get going at 7am in the driving rain. All seems fine, until we get down the road about 40-50 miles. She hasn't stopped talking since we left her place. I have heard all about the ex-boyfriend, the college years, the family, her love of a local Mexican food hole-in-the wall joint in Greenville, etc.
Maybe she'll simmer down and zip it further down the road?

VA/NC border, still going strong with the yapping. It was like a book on tape! The past hour and a half has been the epic saga of the search for a roommate once she moved to DC. I think I'll try to squash all this yammering with a pit stop. At least she can't follow me into the Men's room!

Rolling again through NC and I start to think about turning up the stereo and claiming some sort of malfunction and that I can't turn it down anymore. Wimp! I don't do it. Henderson, Durham, Burlington, Greensboro...still yakkin' away! SHEESH!

80 miles north of Juan's, still a non-stop talking machine in my passenger seat. I am playing the nice guy, responding, albeit shortly, to the tales and recollections and biographical info spewing from her mouth like the busted levee on Lake Pontchartrain. I am actually beginning to get hoarse from the sheer amount of responding I've been doing, when suddenly traffic stops dead on highway 85. There's a bad accident ahead. I can see 4 ambulances and half a dozen State Troopers, all southbound lanes closed. Maybe she'll be distracted by the activity ahead? The skies have finally cleared up and the sun is shining, and she's STILL talking! As we sit there, I look over at her and realize, she is a dead ringer for Gene Wilder! Same hair, even!

In case you forgot:
http://adorocinema.cidadeinternet.co...e-wilder02.jpg

So, as Gene Wilder continues to gush like a fire hydrant, and I continue to lose my voice from responding to her, I see a MedEvac helo flying over head. We'd been sitting stone still for 15 mins already, now they're gonna dust off some poor bastard so we'll be sitting here even longer. Jesus H.! She's not even CLOSE to shutting up! I get out and stand on the median with all the other onlookers. I even make the arm-pull gesture to passing truckers to get them to blow the air horn. All the little kids love it when they do that, soon I've got them doing it too, then the parents join in. I am thinking that I'd rather listen to a hundred of those horns constantly blowing than get back in the X and hear more of the life and times of Gene Wilder- a Book On Tape, narrated by my passenger. I call the Tega Cay Beach Club, talk to Mrs. Juan and tell her I'm gonna be late due to the dust off, hold some barbecue for me and have a gallon of Chloraseptic ready for me too. I didn't really ask for the Chloraseptic, but I was wishing I had some so I could spray it on her tongue. That stuff'll numb anything. I got it on my hands one time as a kid immediately before takin a whizz. Don't ever do that, especially when you're 7.

Still with me? If this is painful to read, imagine hearing it spoken by Gene Wilder with a twang. You are feeling my pain.

FINALLY get to my hotel, she is met there by the aforementioned relative, and I RUN into the hotel to check in cause I am LATE for the meet!

I get to the front desk, the cutie there asks me for my name and all I can say is "gasp!". My voice was completely gone. Luckily, it was a false alarm, and it creaked back to life.

Show up late to the meet, all good, great times, dreading the ride back with Gene already.

She's two hours late getting back to meet me at my hotel on Sunday afternoon, we get under way at 5pm. Clear skies, 75 degrees, winds light from the northwest.

There's apparently been a few things she forgot to tell me, so she begins with the marathon talkfest again. I am ready for it this time, and I halfway tune it out, I am adapting, and not a moment too soon, because there's about to be a new wrinkle here.

An hour or so into the trip, I discover a new smell wafting across my nose.

I look around, no dead skunk on the road. No pollution control plant. No sweage treatment facility. No truckload of livestock ahead. No port-a-john lying on the highway. The A/C and the air filter is on, that smell ain't extra-vehicular.

I look over at Gene, who is still going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and DAMN! She is rippin' em as she's runnin' her mouth nonstop! I mean, she musta gone out to that Mexican joint she talked about yesterday and ordered the frijoles with extra frijoles, these things would put a frat boy to shame! These are more poltergeists than farts, the thought of them still haunts me. But I had to admire her skill: she managed to break em off while in full-on conversation, one way as it was. No moving at all while bustin' ass, neither! Think about it: don't you at least stop talking, and lift a leg/wave an arm/make a face when you get down with the air biscuit? I don't think it's possible for me to not stop EVERYTHING going on to crank one. Yet, she was able to multi-task while blastin her ass gas. You have to admire that, don't you?

Can you Zaino a leather comfort seat?

I'll leave y'all on that high note, I need some sleep in the peace and quiet of my home.

JV

PS- just flippin the channels here- Young Frankenstein is on Fox Movie Channel :wow:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :bustingup :bustingup :bustingup :bustingup
I can't stop laughing! I'm trying not to wake Joanna up! You suck posting this so late and I can't bust out laughing! Have a good night...catch up with you later. Go give your ears some rest. :thumbup:

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Its break of dawn here in merry 'ol England, another dreary cold Monday, and Im sitting here pissing myself laughing at 5:30 in the morning....Thanks for the great start JV...This could only happen to you...Was she at least do-able, even after a few?:drunk:

a 3 at 10 is a 10 at 3 :D

Ah yes, the old "hotel bar hookup". I know it well. Okay, maybe not. The last almost-hotel bar hookup was with a waitress in Quincy, MA who was from Dorchester-Southy. I think she would have kicked my ass. Okay, it wasn't even close to a hookup but I can relate to JV because while at that same hotel there was, believe it or not, a high school senior trip staying there, and a Miss Massachusettes pageant tryout. :tsk: I was also at a hotel in Anaheim in June and there were three, yes three, busloads of high school seniors staying at my hotel for their senior trip to Disneyland. Sorry for the :hijack:.

JV: Helluva a story. Did you regail any of your listeners with tales of the X5world meet?

OK, Rack 'EM!! That's the winner!! :bustingup :bustingup :bustingup

Holy cow, JV! I've got tears going down -- that's how hard I'm laughing. What a great story.

By the way, you should have called me!! I could have taken you around -- given you a little tour or something to pass the time until Gene Wilder showed up!

Juan

THAT is hystertical....sorry JV, I feel for ya man, I can only imagine what that trip was like...but reading it made me bust out big time here at work :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :D

I can't even type, I'm laughing so hard. That is truely a classic, JV. :bustingup

HAHAHAH!!! :bustingup That is a classic and should be in the X5World hall of fame, and will certainly be an "annual meet tale" that will be told for years to come. Haaaaaa I am crying! :bustingup

Big JV:
RACK IT! A Fooking Classic! :bustingup

I'm freaking dying here...I was laughing so hard I thought I was having a fooking heart attack!

One Cannot make that stuff up. You are a Primo Pisser, my friend!
BR,TheOl'GeezerTryingToBreathe!

Fantastic! I enjoyed one while watching the game yesterday afternoon. I owe you big time!

IF we were talking Gene Wilder's head on Jenna Jameson's body, then I'd say a six-pack would do. But, we're talkin' Gene Wilder's head on Rosie O'Donnell's body here. Where's that vomit smilie? Oh yeah, here it is ;puke;

You ain't hijackin' man, no worries. When I go on the air tonight at 7, I will definitely mention it. Not sure if I'll mention Gene, cause she listens to my show :ouch:

Thanks for reading, y'all. Needless to say, the moral of the story here is don't ever do the dumb s*#t that I do. :banghead:

JV

PS- rode around with the windows down this morning to air the X out, she was still a tad bit fouled.