Dead battery. Replaced with new. Now won't start
 

Can't explain the weird delay for start butt can explain the left parking lights on. E53 will light up the side you have the turn signal switch set. For parking in a dark location and make car visible. I miss that feature on e70 that only has momentary turn signal switch.

People regularly mention no stay after low battery but it will crank but no ignition stopped by ews.

I did not touch the HL switch, it was always set at "Auto".

Andrew didn't say headlight switch... he said turn signal switch. ;)

And yeah, they do this. Sometimes called parking lights - setting the turn signal switch left or right activates just the left or right side "parking lights".

See this thread about the same question - https://xoutpost.com/bmw-sav-forums/...w-key-off.html