Tricky crank no-start problem

[DonaldFoss]

I need some help. I'm in over my head now.

I have a 2003 E53 3.0i. It ran mostly fine last May--mostly fine in that it occasionally acted like it was stuck in 3rd gear, but that mostly went away after replacing the VANOS solenoids. With tuning and minor physical changes, it was doing 0-60 in 6.5 seconds. No idea on the quarter, haven't done that yet.

I got the bright idea of making a sleeper out of it and taking it to the track, which required doing a bunch of mods to the car, starting with the oil pump. Dumb, I know. It's been mostly fun. I work on it outside, on the ground.

Over the winter, I rebuilt the engine, ported the heads on both sides, replaced all the VANOS seals, valves, front/rear seals, bearings, and basically had the engine and head down to piles of parts that I cleaned thoroughly and put back together. Now everything is reassembled except the front suspension, and the vehicle won't start.

The 2ndard air is removed, and air from the turbo is disconnected and coming through the MAF via a 14" 3" tube to get to the OEM boot to the throttle body and IAC. I undid all my mods to make it as stock as possible, including EDU changes. PCV is connected via 5/8" hose to a catch can and vacuum.

Crank no-start basics:
- does it have air? Yes, the throttle body is working, and I tried with/without the MAF. IAC is connected, and IAC ports on the intake and head are clean without obstruction.
- does it have fuel?
--Yes, new Walbro 450lph fuel pump with 51 PSI fuel pressure on the fuel rail, the spark plugs smell like gas, and the Innovate Wideband O2 says 7.98 AFR (lowest reading possible is 7.39)
--built a noid-style light to flash when the #1 fuel injector was fired, which lights up (used an old trailer light and some alligator clips). I also record the DS2 output while I'm test cranking and see the injectors called on to open for 19ms average (1.3% duty cycle)
--using stock fuel injectors, with my 70lb ones on the shelf.
- does it have spark?
--Yes, tested 2 spark plugs with a probe and grounded them where I could see the spark. I may order 6 inline testers, but they're not for recessed plugs, so I may have to fiddle with them.
--New NGK spark plugs
- crank position sensor - replaced and verified with an o-scope. The ECU threw codes when testing with the CPS unplugged and is clear with it plugged in. It's showing the expected square wave on the o-scope.
- cam position sensors - not replaced, but not reporting codes and this worked before I removed the engine. Intake and exhaust cam sensors tested with o-scope and are reporting as expected, at least to my mark 1 eyeballs
- crazy settings in the ECU? I flashed the ECU back to virgin, removed the 2ndary air and got the same results
- did starter fluid help? With the fuel off and only using starter fluid, a cylinder lit off a couple times, then the intake backfired and the intake boot caught fire. That wasn't fun. It took me half a day of cleaning the intake and everything around it to convince myself there wasn't any more white powder in anything important. I have not tried starter fluid with the fuel valve on.
- timing? I timed the head 3 times when reassembling it (because I'm that bad). While reinstalling the engine a ratchet strap broke that was setting the engine tilt angle and it bumped the side of the engine bay but did not dent the bay or the engine. Something could be off there, but the valves don't touch the pistons.
- EWS?
--The car dings when I insert the key, send fuel, spark, etc. My code reader does have messages about key 1 and 5, but key 1 remote features don't work, and I have a key blank where the remote features work but the key isn't cut. I used both of these before, and they still work the same way.
--I took a backup ECU with an identical flash as my original OEM and did an EWS delete. With that ECU, the fuel pump doesn't turn on, so ... I put that back on the bench and haven't tried it since.
- Ignition switch? I installed a new ignition switch, had no effect.
- Battery - this car it tough on batteries unless you drive it regularly anyway. I have a platinum AGM battery that outputs 12.4 volts. The ECU reports 11.93 volts before cranking, and 10.5 volts while cranking. To eliminate the battery, I connected a battery charger with start assistance and put it in that mode while testing, with the same results.
- crank speed? ECU reports 140 RPM, which should be sufficient. Am I correct? I couldn't find any data or specs on what that is supposed to be.
- ignition timing? Controlled by ECU tune, which is virgin now. ECU reports 1.3 degrees. VANOS says passive mode only, intake 126, exhaust -105.
- compression? Since I've been trying to start this for 3 weeks, I have wet cylinder walls and my compression is down. I put 4 squirts of Castrol 10w/30 into each spark plug hole yesterday before trying to start again. Before I put the oil in, compression was 125 - 170 PSI. Before I tore the engine down, it was 175-195 PSI.
- ECU codes? None except sometimes says it can't get CAN temperature and thinks the engine is at 50C.

- anything else? I know my heads are leaky in the valve seal and while I got decent compression, the leak down test was miserable. I intend to get the heads redone or buy another head and port that one. Even with a lot of lapping, I couldn't get a good seal on these. Best guess is porus valve sleeve. This shouldn't affect starting, just power output.

I hope I've covered all the questions that might be asked. I'm stumped and it's not a comfortable position. So, um, help?