With the nearly mind numbing Olympics on this week, (the TV "Coverage" is almost a parody of "broadcasting" thus far, imo), I thought this tongue in cheek Guide to Canada was funny and worth a read...all in good fun.

Crib Notes on Canada, From a Canadian
By BRUCE HEADLAM

Published: February 12, 2010




Welcome to Canada. Bienvenue à Canada!

We want you to enjoy your stay here at the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver but we also hope you’ll take this opportunity to travel beyond the Olympic village. Canada, you know, is the second-largest country by area in the world — almost a third larger than your United States. Fortunately, most of it is empty so you’re not missing much. But what there is to see may surprise you.









If you’re like most Americans, Canada conjures up words like “efficient,” “pleasant,” “boring,” “socialized medicine,” “Is Gordie Howe still playing?” and, “I’ve been to Minnesota. Isn’t it the same only bigger?”




But if you look closely, you’ll discover what we call the other side of the cereal box (“l’autre côté de la boîte de céréales”). Previous Olympic hosts try to cover up their gritty side, as the Chinese government did when it bulldozed slums in Beijing and cracked down on the local habit of spitting.

That’s not how we roll here. You see, there are really two Canadas, just as there are two kinds of bears you might meet hiking in our great wilderness. If you come across a grizzly bear, you should lie down and pretend to be dead. But if you stumble across a black bear, you must run for your life. Or perhaps it’s the other way around. The point is that there are two kinds of bears and either way you’re in a lot of trouble.

Outside the happy Olympic village, you’ll find that other Canada — a dark and edgy place. Just wander down to Vancouver’s seedy Downtown Eastside neighborhood where you’ll find homeless people, prostitutes and addicts “jonesing” for illegal drugs just as you would in any midsize American city. To help you find your way, there is even a government information center there with free pamphlets to answer all of your questions. So if you want to “see where the action is” or “take a walk on the wild side,” please go downtown and visit “our government information center.”

And that’s really just the start. Since this is the first visit for many of you, we’ve prepared the following guide to fascinating Canadian facts (“faits fascinants sur le Canada”). We think you’ll discover that Canada is not only a lot bigger than Minnesota, it’s just as interesting.

National Symbols
Canada has two national symbols, the Maple Leaf, a symbol of nature and growth, and the Beaver, which represents industry and loyalty.
According to Roman legend, the beaver, when cornered, will chew off its testicles and offer them up to the attacker. Modern biologists have dismissed this as myth. Beaver will only chew off their testicles if you ask nicely. But that’s our point: you have to ask.

National Anthem
“O Canada,” although it is permissible to substitute “God Save the Queen” or “Working for the Weekend” by Loverboy.

National Sport
We know what you’re thinking: hockey. Wrong! Our national sport is actually lacrosse, a rugged game taken from the Iroquois word meaning “to kill time until the pond freezes over.” As much as Canadians love hockey, the fastest game on ice, they enjoy curling, the slowest game on ice, even more. In fact, we’ve dominated Olympic curling except for in 2002, when the entire Canadian team tested positive for barley.

Biggest Export (By Volume)
Celine Dion, followed closely by oil.

Motto
“From Sea to Sea.” Also acceptable: “You had your turn. Give the other guy a go.”

Know Your Canadian History!
Here are some dates to remember.

1000: Leif Ericson becomes the first European to land in what is now Canada, then immediately gets in a dispute over the pronunciation of “Newfoundland.”

1600: Early settlers in what is then called New France are decimated by hunger and the harsh winter. The next year, more settlers arrive to replace them and they die of exposure and scurvy. The next wave arrives, prompting the local Iroquois to ask, “just how bad is Old France?”

1867: Almost a century after America declares its independence from Great Britain through the bloody crucible of revolution, Canada declares its sovereignty after filling out the necessary paperwork.

1937: Famed Montreal Canadiens center Howie Morenz dies after a devastating on-ice collision but still finishes the game.

1951: Famed Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman Bill Barilko disappears in northern Ontario on a fishing trip, leaving generations of Toronto players to say, “Gee, I wish I’d thought of that.”

1954: Hurricane Hazel sweeps northward through southern Ontario. More than 80 people die, mostly from excitement that something from New York came to Toronto.

1976: Quebec elects its first separatist government, leading to several late-night drunken calls from English Canada saying it promises to change and French Canada eventually asking for its Leonard Cohen records back.
1980: Margaret Trudeau, the wife of Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, is photographed cavorting in a Toronto hotel with a member of the Rolling Stones. A swell of national pride ensues until it is discovered that she was only with Ron Wood.

1982: After scoring an astounding 92 goals in a single season, hockey star Wayne Gretzky is declared a wimp who never helps out in his own end.

1988: Ben Johnson is stripped of his gold medal in the 100-meter sprint after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs. Humiliated, Johnson is reduced to running in a charity race against a horse and a stock car. He loses but the horse is later seen at a Gold’s Gym with Mark McGwire.

2009: After a devastating worldwide financial crisis, economists point to Canadian banks as a model of restraint and probity, completing neglecting to account for the hookers in east Vancouver.

Just memorize these dates and soon your new Canadian friends will treat you like a native, greeting you with a hardy “Way to go, guy,” or, “I’m sorry. You’re standing on my foot,” or “Le docteur ne peut pas vous voir pour encore six mois” (the doctor cannot see you for another six months). When you return to the United States, please tell all your friends about the great country of Canada. And don’t forget the part about the hookers.

Crib Notes on Canada, From a Canadian - NYTimes.com

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